GOATs, Grits & Government Secrets

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Unbiasedly—and I say this with complete humility—I'm probably the hardest-working writer in the weekly newsletter game. But even the GOATs need rest. So last week, I took PTO. It was spring break in NYC, which meant my girlfriend and I peaced out and flew down to Charleston, SC. No laptop. No newsletter. Just 80 degrees, sunshine, and shrimp & grits.

Charleston is incredible. Yes, it’s technically a "rated" city now—there are bachelorette parties on every block—but I’m here to confirm: still underrated. Unbelievable food. Rich history. Perfect weather. I’m not saying I’m moving, but if I mysteriously disappear and you see me on a horse carriage tour, mind your business.

So yeah—no Trust Fun last week. But absence makes the heart grow fonder, right?

I’m back. And maybe even working overtime this week. Might drop a bonus Fri-yay edition. Never been done before. But we make the rules here—and sometimes we break them.

Marathon Monday

Today is Patriots Day. Aka Marathon Monday. Aka Boston's sacred excuse to skip work and drink in the streets.

As someone born and raised in Boston—but now NYC-based—I’ve pretty much shed all FOMO from my system. Like, Coachella? Hard pass. I’d rather get poison ivy from a lawn chair in Queens.

But Marathon Monday? Still have serious FOMO.

The crowd. The chaos. The guys in boat shoes handing out beer at Mile 20. The emotional wreckage when you see someone’s mom cross the finish line and burst into tears.

There’s nothing like it. Inject this Big Papi speech into my veins. Chills. Good luck to all the runners out there today.

Time Travel Is on the Table Now?

While I was away, a fun little nugget made its way into the internet ether: the White House released a document confirming that the U.S. military has explored technologies that can "manipulate space and time." Yes, really.

Specifically, it's a set of documents obtained via FOIA request (shoutout The Black Vault) that include references to what they call "space-time modification weapons." Think bending the physical rules of the universe to make things appear elsewhere instantly. Essentially: teleportation, time travel, and physics-defying military tools.

The report talks about things like traversable wormholes, warp drives, and something called a "negative mass propulsion system." All very casual.

Here’s what I took from it:

• The government is at least pretending to be working on teleportation.

• The line between Marvel movies and DARPA budgets is thinner than we thought.

• And the future might arrive before your Amazon package does.

Let’s apply this to ecomm:

• No more shipping windows. Your order arrives before you click.

• Returns happen by reversing time. Your cart never existed.

• Fulfillment centers are irrelevant. Your warehouse is the void.

Honestly, if teleportation drops before USPS fixes their tracking links, I won’t be shocked.

But hey, in the meantime, we grind. In this dimension. For now.